Delayed – from Tuesday, February 13, 2007—editor
Stick a Fork in John Edwards . . . He’s Done.
Thumb-pointing, Aqua Net addicted, Presidential-(used-to-be)-hopeful John Edwards, together with his strategists, decided that if they’re going to be “in it to win it” then they must employ the blogging help of a couple of anti-Christ, F-bomb droppin’ honeys to convince America that he’s mainstream and thus, our man.
The bloggers Juan hired to sway us common cattle into his fray are about as conventional as Jay Alexander and Crispin Glover. You can’t be more psychotically Left than these dual dames of derision. Don’t believe me? Then do this: stop what you’re doing and look all the way over to the left. I’m talkin’ way, way over yonder, and you’ll see Amanda Whoever and Melissa McSomebody typing like Lancelot Link, donned in Che Guevara T-shirts and cussing their butts off as they blame Bush, Christianity and Capitalism for Lincoln’s murder, JFK’s assassination, the plight of the manatee and all their hair problems.
I’m sorry; I’m being a jerk again. In all fairness, the lady bloggers, whom Edwards the Wannabe hired truly do represent that which is currently the norm . . . in hell. With their blasphemous, too gross to print invectives against Christianity, their conspiratorial mendacities that make a paranoid coke dealer seem well modulated and their constant “F you, you F-ing F-ers of F-land,” these two cynical sisters do symbolize the mainstream if the brook we’re talking about is the river Styx.
Who’d a thunk Edwards would have done something like hire two profane dames to do his PR? Like I’ve said previously about the left, you can’t make up the stuff they do.
Now, I could see something like hiring some heretical cheeky chicas coming from Kucinich. With that elfin-like, middle earth look, you just knew that if someone on the left were trying to broker some Faustian deal with el Diablo, it would be him. But, no. It was the Potsie Weber of the Presidential race who sought out blasphemous bloggers to make his backers bolt.
In all honesty, I’m sorta glad Edwards went to the dark side for support, as now the race is getting interesting. I’d even go so far as to say, “Don’t cave in to the public pressure, John, by distancing yourself from these breasted bloggers who have the mouth of a stevedore and the soul of a heretic. If that’s you, dude, then embrace them. Don’t be ashamed. Go nuts and dive down the funnel. Commit and see what happens.”
As a matter of fact, here are a few suggestions to help flesh out your now seriously flailing attempt at the White House:
1. Get a wicked dog. Like an ill-tempered humongous Doberman. Or a black Wolf with green eyes. Name him Cerberus, feed him gunpowder, get the biggest spike collar your bloggers can find, take him everywhere you go and then let him run through the crowd!
2. Shave your head. That Wally Cleaver thing you’ve got going is so yesterday. I’d also shave your eyebrows off or . . . or shave them where they are angling down to make you look angry.
3. Have Marilyn Manson, Judas Priest and Boy George do all the music for your events.
4. Put Robert Mapplethorpe photos all over the venues and throughout the cities where you campaign. That’ll get the buzz going, eh?
5. Carve a tribal symbol into your forehead.
6. For fund raising, I’d have Rosie O’Donnell tour with you. She can drink jugs of chocolate milk for money. That would be crazy!
7. Lastly, have Damien from the Omen work the children for their parents’ votes. He could put that voodoo evil eye on them . . . you know what I mean?
You and I both know that Barack and Hillary must be laughing their respective African American and really white butts off, as Edwards’ erroneous employment of these bloggin’ Bettys is right up there with Howard Dean’s primal scream and Kerry’s crass comments about our amazing military. Smooth move, Exlax. Obama’s and Hillary’s staff are probably right now sending Edwards’ campaign manager Capital Grille gift certificates and valentines for helping Juan Edwardo effectively remove himself from the race.
John, let me help you, man. Looky here . . . when you pony up to try to become President in 2012 (because that little move cost you 2008), you’ve got to be more discreet with your affiliation with the Netherworld if you want to rise to power. Don’t you watch movies like the Devil’s Advocate and Bedazzled? You’ve gotta fly a little more under the radar. However, I wouldn’t get depressed. Rather, go back to the drawing board and give it the ole’ college try. You’ve got five years to fool us, so get back on that horse, fella—and better luck next time.
* This just in, one of the bloggers quit. I believe it was the Amanda whoever girl. That’s a shame. Just when it was getting good. Oh well, we’ve still got one bloggerette left. Type, baby, type!
Doug’s articles have also appeared on several other print and online news sources, including The Washington Times, The Daily Caller, Fox Nation, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Examiner, The Blaze, American Hunter Magazine and ABC News.
He’s been a frequent guest on the Fox News Channel and Fox Business Channel as well as many nationally syndicated radio shows across the nation — which, he believes, officially makes him a super hero.
In addition, Doug is an occasional guest host on New York City’s WABC (The Jason Mattera Show) and he is a weekly guest, every Friday at 7:45am[et], on America’s Morning News (155 markets).
Giles and his wife Margaret have two daughters: Hannah, who devastated ACORN with her 2009 nation shaking undercover videos, and Regis who is an NRA columnist, huntress and Second Amendment activist.
DG’s interests include guns, big game hunting, big game fishing, fine art, cigars, helping wounded warriors, and being a big pain in the butt to people who dislike God and the USA.
Speaking Engagements.
Doug Giles speaks to college, business, community, church, advocacy and men’s groups throughout the United States and internationally. His expertise includes issues of Christianity and culture, masculinity vs. metrosexuality, big game hunting and fishing, raising righteous kids in a rank culture, the Second Amendment, personal empowerment, politics, and social change. For availability, please contact us.
Props.
“Doug Giles is a good man, and his bambinas are fearless. His girls Hannah and Regis Giles are indefatigable. I admire the Giles clan from afar.”
- Dennis Miller
“Doug Giles must be some kind of a great guy if CNN wants to impugn him.”
- Rush Limbaugh
“Doug Giles is a substantive and funny force for traditional values.”
- Ann Coulter, best-selling author
“Doug Giles speaks the truth … he’s a societal watchdog … a funny bastard.”
- Ted Nugent, rock icon
“Doug is funny and insightful. Giles is always spot-on with his analysis and so incredibly hilarious, as well. Whether you’re 15 or 50, if you love God and America, Doug Giles is for you!”
- Jason Mattera, NYT best-selling author of Obama Zombies and Editor-in-Chief, Human Events
“Doug is a raucous and rowdy mix of old-school, traditional conservative values with the kind of eff-you attitude folks like Ted Nugent have made millions on. He’s one part rebellious rock star, one part crusading missionary, and another part rough rider.”
- S. E. Cupp, NYT best-selling author of Why You’re Wrong About The Right and Host of The S. E. Cupp Show on GBTV.com
- When I Want a Progressive’s Opinion on What Guns I “Need” or “Don’t Need”… - Tuesday January 22, 2013 at 5:18 pm
- Massacre Solution: The Brady Bunch Bill to Prohibit the Procreation of Irresponsible People - Sunday January 13, 2013 at 1:16 pm
- Whiny Atheists Protest Charlie Brown Christmas Special - Thursday November 29, 2012 at 9:24 am
