New birth control method soon to be embraced (or squatted upon) by liberals and all “man-made global warming” alarmists! New method found to reduce the surplus human population!
What — is the NatPo trying to stimulate the economy by encouraging liberals to buy and use their laptops more thereby un-stimulating the nations’ sperms? Because you gotta know that’s what’s going to happen! Note to self: buy shares in Best Buy this morning. Sell Trojan.
Or are they simply being hideously ridiculous once again? It’s one or the other. All I want to know is whether the scientists were wearing those white smocks. I always want to know that because the image makes me laugh. And hey, do the NatPo reporters and editors wear white smocks when they publish this stuff? Or clown suits?
Professor Joel sez:
If they’re all so concerned about fertility rates, and by extension the God-given natural ability to create life, then why don’t they investigate reports of some sort of weird “non-abortion” thing, such as the theory of “not funding them” with “taxpayer cash”, for starters, such that it can be guaranteed to result in saving the lives of (and this is scientifically proven by way of the ever so complicated “counting” method!) at least 100,000 new Canadians every single year, which would all be born if only they were allowed to be?
And for you bean counters who love the government “stimulus”, that theorem would also save taxpayer cash for those “shovel-ready projects!” It’s an absolutely rock hard scientifically proven fact, mine is, which, if you send a reporter over to my house, I can prove for you. Or just look at the PTBC abortion counter, displaying the number 82,431 at the time of this writing. **SMALL UPDATE: four hours later, it’s 49 higher, at 82,480**
Compare my findings to findings of those sperm-centric scientists (actual line in article!):
Although there is no conclusive evidence yet that laptops cause sperm damage …
D’oh! My God man! What the heck is this article doing on page A-6 then?
But they love this stuff. It quickly becomes an exercise in typing the word “semen” and “sperm” and “penis” and especially “scrotum” as many times as possible, as if they’d been holding it for a year. Holding the words I mean. Not the “scrotum” or the “penis”. Well I can’t prove that scientifically, actually.
…The new findings follow on an American study published in 2004, which concluded that using a laptop computer for an hour raised the temperature of the scrotum by close to three degrees.
… His study, not yet published in a peer-reviewed journal, took semen samples from 15 patients and placed some under a device that kept the heat at average scrotum temperature and others under a laptop…
…a Florida study that found crocodiles living near a plastics plant had unusually small pensises. …
…and on and on. And yes they did type “pensises”. I do not know what that is but I know more than a few liberals who would like to get a hold of one o’ those! They could attach it to their “scrota!”
I can tell you one thing for sure: newspaper editing is not rocket science. Yeah yeah, rockets do resemble penises and possibly also “pensises.”
I’ll tell you what: if y’all want to lower the temperature of the “scrotum”, move up here to Canada, and even out here on the west coast, you’ll freeze your balls off for 8 months of the year. Laptops are practically a requirement.
Thank you. Available for interviews until 7:00 tonight, after which time it’s just too damn cold.
PTBC was founded by Mr. Johannesen in 2000.
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