eHarmony’s Hottest New Couple: Obama and Kennedy

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The Article

Did any of you catch Ted Kennedy’s vociferous, flabby, sweat-laden, cheerleaderesque endorsement of Barack Obama last Monday? I bet if Ted could have done a back flip he would have been Olga Korbuting all over that stage. He was so jazzed that for a second there I thought he was going to show us his thong.

Question: Who gets this giddy over a human—in particular a politician of the same sex? Look, I like some of the GOP’s former and current contenders, but they don’t make me swoon. Matter of fact, both sides in this cycle have pretty much hammered me with electile dysfunction (the inability to be aroused by any of the candidates), especially now that the race has been reduced—at least according to my political bents—to choosing between watching Rosie O’Donnell in a halter eating a BBQ’d wild boar verses watching Clay Aiken singing My Endless Love in a halter. Yes, I’m officially unenthused.

But back to Ted.

Edward, my humongous brother, you and your cronies had better watch hyping the heck out of the junior state senator whose middle name is Hussein. I was taught growing up in the great nation of Texas that it is wise to under-promise and over-deliver. Listening to you cats praise Obama like he’s Jesus takes me back to when we were all bombarded by how great the New Coke and Clear Pepsi were going to be. And they were fantastic … that is until we drank ‘em. Selah.

Doug Giles cartoonAnd lastly, I’ve got a question for the inhabitants of ObamaNation: Is Ted Kennedy’s approval the sanction you should be stoked over? I understand getting Caroline Kennedy’s props to go along with the “change,” “new” and “different” schlock you’re peddling, but Ted? Ted doesn’t represent “change” and “new.” Barack, as a jaded conservative I was beginning to believe that you were a potential rep for a new day (whatever that means) but then . . . then . . . you go and invite anachronistic Ted to the party. Hello! I bet Oprah’s pissed.

Listen, Barack backers: If you’re going to continue to sell the whole “change” and “outside Washington” stuff to us then why in God’s name did you eHarmony Barack and TK together? Ted Kennedy is no JFK. He’s more like KFC. Matter of fact, when I look at Ted I don’t think JFK, I think WTF? If you need a Kennedy I think you guys would have been better served getting Jamie Kennedy’s support.

If I were a young Obama ogler psyched on the potentialities of Barack, last Monday’s merging with Ted would have caused that LSD trip to officially wear off. Yep, I would have gone from a loud, screaming enthusiast to a jaded golf clapper as Ted’s presence would have sounded the death knell on that political spell.

C’mon, youthful Obama drum beaters, be honest: The Ted connection was a thump on the forehead that your Mr. Washington Outsider, the supposed unsullied glory boy, might not be the salvo you supposed him to be but rather a typical politician who’ll sidle up to a sinister senator for personal ambitions. His chief difference is that he’s younger and inexperienced.

Doug Giles

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