Some light-hearted reading to start the new year off gently:
I wrote this sometime in 2003 for another web site, after I’d read about a nude tennis competition being broadcast on the Internet. I posted it to my columnist space here after this site was created.
Naked Sports
Back in May 2003 a nudist colony in Florida broadcast, over the Web, a NUDE TENNIS MATCH. Oh Yay.
Bringing new meaning to the term “bouncing balls”, “pairs”, and “ouch!”, the match included women and men, and the entire audience (in the stands) was naked as well. No word on whether World Wide Web viewers had to sit there buck naked or not but I think as a matter of fairness they should have. I have a feeling many viewers wouldn’t have needed much cajoling, and I’m just talking about the ones watching the webcast. You know who you are.
I’m all for nudity. For all you know, I’m nude right now. I’m not as I write this but I might be when you read it. Sometimes it’s perfectly appropriate to be naked, and so far I haven’t had much difficulty in figuring out when it is, and isn’t, appropriate (although I’ve had some dreams that don’t make sense—like the ones where I’m naked in front of my neighbors for no apparent reason—what’s up with that?).
But people who play tennis naked, and those who watch them, are going to find out real fast why it is that people don’t play tennis naked. A tennis ball traveling at 60 MPH causes a noticeable facial strain even before it smashes into your testicles. A backhanded tennis racquet swing at full force to the bare female breast is even worse than that to a sport-bra enveloped breast, and leaves one of those nasty “waffle” patterns on it that women so avoid on their breasts these days. Being called “flat as a pancake” would be welcomed after getting a waffle permanently imprinted on your left mammary.
No I’d suggest people keep the nudity to washing-up, sex, sunbathing, even cooking if you’re really adventurous and good at avoiding hot oil splatters. “Sports” and “naked” are not two words that usually go together very well, unless you still insist that “Synchronized Swimming” is a sport, in which case it definitely SHOULD be done in the nude. Suddenly it would become the world’s most-watched sporting event (by men, anyway), instead of the butt of bad jokes. In fact this story led me to consider some other sporting events which might or might not cut it as naked sports:
- Gymnastics – though doing the balance beam event may be an owchie waiting to happen. (Gymnastics was originally done in the nude in ancient Greece but the participants were mostly fat sweaty men so it didn’t boost TV ratings).
- Pole-Vaulting, although the run-up to takeoff could cause inordinate stretching of certain bodily members, which may not be bad for the men’s division, but most definitely would be bad for the women’s division. And what humorous slow-mo moments….
- Golf. Women’s golf needs a lift. Naked women golfing would cause things to lift all over the world. What a boon to the sport. Both the women golfers and the male viewers would be playing with their woods. Fore! Nice shwing! (Etc…)
- Figure Skating. Again the variance in the men’s events and the women’s would be enhanced. For men, as if dancing/skating around in those ridiculous tight costumes wasn’t embarrassing enough, there’s all that cold air to marginalize things. For the women however, or at least their male-viewing audience, the cold air adds an air of hardnippleness to the event, lifting their scores possibly (except from the French and Russian judges who claim to be altogether “bored” with hard nipples).
- Badminton. But only with a warning: the game would include shuttlecocks, and cocks that have been shuttled by shuttlecocks, leading to all sorts of confusion.
- PingPong? Sure why not. Watch for a new tradition: paddle-wacks on opponent’s bare butts after each game. In fact, they may change the name to ButtWack in light of the change in sound.
- ”Bridge” is not a sport damn it, any more than “chess” is. Play naked with Christmas lights hanging all over you for all I care. In fact that’s the only thing that might liven it up.
- Handball? Already done naked. Oh you mean the sport. Whatever.
- Weightlifting: the only sport that would actually LOSE viewers if done nude.
- Skiing—now here’s a winter sport in which the male athletes would benefit. The cold environs together with the nakedness would help “streamline” the men by reducing bodily protrusions.
- Speed-Walking: Are you TRYING to look like a retard?
- Hockey, Football: I dare you. And I couldn’t watch. In hockey, there’d be too many players playing with their sticks, and in football, too much touch-down-there.
The naked tennis webcast cost $14, and sponsors like Miller Lite were lined up. I’m fairly sure they didn’t land “Fruit of the Loom” as a sponsor but who knows—we are dealing with fruits here. The organizers, anticipating success, were already planning subsequent tournaments, including naked karaoke. Yeah, karaoke. I would suggest they simply watch MTV if they want to see naked karaoke, but that’s their problem.
By Joel Johannesen
This editorial is posted at ProudToBeCanadian.ca. Here is the exact link to the editorial:
http://www.proudtobecanadian.ca/threads/showflat.php?Number=139
PTBC was founded by Mr. Johannesen in 2000.
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