I penned this column a long time ago when I operated a successful web site called NotNaked.com. That funny-named site was built around a huge discussion forum and had many thousands of active members, all posting whatever they desired. It was costing me so much money I eventually let it die when a major participant from San Francisco, Suzi, who became a moderator, and then as it turns out a close friend—died of cancer. On the other hand, as you might imagine, that web site name alone is a pretty valuable asset and is now a tiny part of my retirement program, as if I need anything after all that Canada Pension Plan moola starts flowing, baby!
It’s a bit of a long story that I’ll make short: I created that site in the earlier days of the internet, before Al Gore invented it if I’m not mistaken, in anticipation of what I perceived to be an abominable proliferation of sex and nakedness on the internet—I predicted that sex and pornography was literally taking over the ‘net! What a nut, huh? I could hardly turn a corner without being confronted with nakedness, so I started NotNaked.com as a kind of protest and respite for like-minded people. It worked!
That site is where this site actually started. One of the forums was a “Canadian” forum (amongst a worldwide audience of mostly Americans of course). From there I started writing a column which became pretty popular, and I detected an interest in what I was talking about.
Anyway, one of the columns I wrote was this one—and I just noticed that here at THIS site, it’s now crossing the 24,000 “reads” mark. At NotNaked.com, it had way more than that even, but the regular audience was bigger. So I thought I’d repost it here for your weekend reading needs. Note that it was geared toward the NotNaked.com readership, not a Canadian politics readership. Although… you can see where I was coming from.
Naked Sports
Back in May 2003 a nudist colony in Florida broadcast, over the Web, a NUDE TENNIS MATCH. Oh Yay.
Bringing new meaning to the term “bouncing balls”, “pairs”, and “ouch!”, the match included women and men, and the entire audience (in the stands) was naked as well. No word on whether World Wide Web viewers had to sit there buck naked or not but I think as a matter of fairness they should have. I have a feeling many viewers wouldn’t have needed much cajoling, and I’m just talking about the ones watching the webcast. You know who you are.
I’m all for nudity. For all you know, I’m nude right now. I’m not as I write this but I might be when you read it. Sometimes it’s perfectly appropriate to be naked, and so far I haven’t had much difficulty in figuring out when it is, and isn’t, appropriate (although I’ve had some dreams that don’t make sense—like the ones where I’m naked in front of my neighbors for no apparent reason—what’s up with that?).
But people who play tennis naked, and those who watch them, are going to find out real fast why it is that people don’t play tennis naked. A tennis ball traveling at 60 MPH causes a noticeable facial strain even before it smashes into your testicles. A backhanded tennis racquet swing at full force to the bare female breast is even worse than that to a sport-bra enveloped breast, and leaves one of those nasty “waffle” patterns on it that women so avoid on their breasts these days. Being called “flat as a pancake” would be welcomed after getting a waffle permanently imprinted on your left mammary.
No I’d suggest people keep the nudity to washing-up, sex, sunbathing, even cooking if you’re really adventurous and good at avoiding hot oil splatters. “Sports” and “naked” are not two words that usually go together very well, unless you still insist that “Synchronized Swimming” is a sport, in which case it definitely SHOULD be done in the nude. Suddenly it would become the world’s most-watched sporting event (by men, anyway), instead of the butt of bad jokes. In fact this story led me to consider some other sporting events which might or might not cut it as naked sports:
- Gymnastics – though doing the balance beam event may be an owchie waiting to happen. (Gymnastics was originally done in the nude in ancient Greece but the participants were mostly fat sweaty men so it didn’t boost TV ratings).
- Pole-Vaulting, although the run-up to takeoff could cause inordinate stretching of certain bodily members, which may not be bad for the men’s division, but most definitely would be bad for the women’s division. And what humorous slow-mo moments….
- Golf. Women’s golf needs a lift. Naked women golfing would cause things to lift all over the world. What a boon to the sport. Both the women golfers and the male viewers would be playing with their woods. Fore! Nice shwing! (Etc…)
- Figure Skating. Again the variance in the men’s events and the women’s would be enhanced. For men, as if dancing/skating around in those ridiculous tight costumes wasn’t embarrassing enough, there’s all that cold air to marginalize things. For the women however, or at least their male-viewing audience, the cold air adds an air of hardnippleness to the event, lifting their scores possibly (except from the French and Russian judges who claim to be altogether “bored” with hard nipples).
- Badminton. But only with a warning: the game would include shuttlecocks, and cocks that have been shuttled by shuttlecocks, leading to all sorts of confusion.
- PingPong? Sure why not. Watch for a new tradition: paddle-wacks on opponent’s bare butts after each game. In fact, they may change the name to ButtWack in light of the change in sound.
- ”Bridge” is not a sport damn it, any more than “chess” is. Play naked with Christmas lights hanging all over you for all I care. In fact that’s the only thing that might liven it up.
- Handball? Already done naked. Oh you mean the sport. Whatever.
- Weightlifting: the only sport that would actually LOSE viewers if done nude.
- Skiing—now here’s a winter sport in which the male athletes would benefit. The cold environs together with the nakedness would help “streamline” the men by reducing bodily protrusions.
- Speed-Walking: Are you TRYING to look like a retard?
- Hockey, Football: I dare you. And I couldn’t watch. In hockey, there’d be too many players playing with their sticks, and in football, too much touch-down-there.
The naked tennis webcast cost $14, and sponsors like Miller Lite were lined up. I’m fairly sure they didn’t land “Fruit of the Loom” as a sponsor but who knows—we are dealing with fruits here. The organizers, anticipating success, were already planning subsequent tournaments, including naked karaoke. Yeah, karaoke. I would suggest they simply watch MTV if they want to see naked karaoke, but that’s their problem.
PTBC was founded by Mr. Johannesen in 2000.
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