As all of you know by now, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was busted several weeks ago for attempting to get his summer groove on with a Minnesota Serpico in a Minneapolis airport toilet. Yes, it appears that Larry tried to get a party started by playing footsie with an undercover cop who was trying to offload a chimichanga he just had for lunch.
I guess Justin Timberlake isn’t the only one trying to bring sexy back.
I have a question for the homosexual community: is this a normal gay thing…the…uh…toilet sex? Help me out, those in the know, are the urges that crazy and intense? Can’t they just wait until they get back to their Miata or a Motel 6 and resist the urge to do the funky monkey in a nasty public lavatory?
Hasn’t the gay community watched Seinfeld and (with the rest of us) become germaphobes? I thought that you guys were, on the whole, persnickety and would be too fastidious to seek fulfillment in a stinking john. However, I just remembered that one of your sources of inspiration is George Michael so…never mind.
You know, as much as this situation sucks for Craig, he had better thank God that he hit on a cop and not a redneck. If someone tried to rub my foot and give me elaborate Boy George hand signals while I’m bilging in the stall next door, I would:
A). crush his metatarsals like Queen Latifah on a live cockroach,
B). drain my bladder in the shoe housing his newly-crushed foot,
C). proceed to stuff his balding head in the toilet he was using, and…
D). call the cops to haul his near-drowned, lesson-learned, badly-beaten body to the nearest police department.
The thing that slays me is that after Craig said “I’m guilty” of harassing a cop with complex foot and hand signals like some nutty, gay third base coach trying to wave a runner in, he did a 180 and said “I’m not guilty” and “I’m not gay.” In addition, he stated during his freak-out press conference this week that Scarlett Johansson is not hot, Woody Allen has great hair, and that he was the real fifth Beatle.
Look, Larry, none of us are buying the not guilty and not gay claims. If you want the GP to believe your nonsense, what you need to do is invent some malady to blame for your behavior. Our dysfunctional and therapeutic community will buy that horse crap, and I guarantee that a drug company will create a pill for your fabricated pain.
Howzabout something like this: you’re a victim of RCS (Restless Crotch Syndrome). That’s it! Think about it. You have an illness that made you try to crawl into another guy’s stall. Are you smelling what I’m cooking? It’s not your fault; you never would have violated the cop’s space if you had had some Horndoginex. Whew! What a weight off your shoulders! You owe me money for that one, LC.
Seriously folks, why can’t anyone just say that they’re guilty and deserve whatever whipping comes their way when they’re caught red-handed doing stupid, stupid stuff? I know every sinful and dumb thing that I have done, regardless of the extenuating circumstances, has ultimately been my fault, except for the other day when a really slow driver was making me late for an appointment and caused me to blow through a red light onto the sidewalk and crush seven cats. That was grandma’s fault officer, not mine.
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned “I suck, please forgive me God” repentance? Listen to me Larry: don’t be an OJ; he’s a pariah who will live on in infamy. Be thou the penitent one and own whatever you have done, dude.
To heck with public opinion and what people will think. Focus rather on the inevitable mano-a-mano that you will one day have with God (and He can’t be buffaloed). Let that pending appointment guide thee to get real with yourself, your family, and the public. Sure you might lose face with some folks (you already have), and yes your career will, ironically, go down the toilet (it already has), but at least you will have a clean conscience before God and some public respect for owning it when you have blown it.
Doug’s articles have also appeared on several other print and online news sources, including The Washington Times, The Daily Caller, Fox Nation, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Examiner, The Blaze, American Hunter Magazine and ABC News.
He’s been a frequent guest on the Fox News Channel and Fox Business Channel as well as many nationally syndicated radio shows across the nation — which, he believes, officially makes him a super hero.
In addition, Doug is an occasional guest host on New York City’s WABC (The Jason Mattera Show) and he is a weekly guest, every Friday at 7:45am[et], on America’s Morning News (155 markets).
Giles and his wife Margaret have two daughters: Hannah, who devastated ACORN with her 2009 nation shaking undercover videos, and Regis who is an NRA columnist, huntress and Second Amendment activist.
DG’s interests include guns, big game hunting, big game fishing, fine art, cigars, helping wounded warriors, and being a big pain in the butt to people who dislike God and the USA.
Speaking Engagements.
Doug Giles speaks to college, business, community, church, advocacy and men’s groups throughout the United States and internationally. His expertise includes issues of Christianity and culture, masculinity vs. metrosexuality, big game hunting and fishing, raising righteous kids in a rank culture, the Second Amendment, personal empowerment, politics, and social change. For availability, please contact us.
Props.
“Doug Giles is a good man, and his bambinas are fearless. His girls Hannah and Regis Giles are indefatigable. I admire the Giles clan from afar.”
- Dennis Miller
“Doug Giles must be some kind of a great guy if CNN wants to impugn him.”
- Rush Limbaugh
“Doug Giles is a substantive and funny force for traditional values.”
- Ann Coulter, best-selling author
“Doug Giles speaks the truth … he’s a societal watchdog … a funny bastard.”
- Ted Nugent, rock icon
“Doug is funny and insightful. Giles is always spot-on with his analysis and so incredibly hilarious, as well. Whether you’re 15 or 50, if you love God and America, Doug Giles is for you!”
- Jason Mattera, NYT best-selling author of Obama Zombies and Editor-in-Chief, Human Events
“Doug is a raucous and rowdy mix of old-school, traditional conservative values with the kind of eff-you attitude folks like Ted Nugent have made millions on. He’s one part rebellious rock star, one part crusading missionary, and another part rough rider.”
- S. E. Cupp, NYT best-selling author of Why You’re Wrong About The Right and Host of The S. E. Cupp Show on GBTV.com
- When I Want a Progressive’s Opinion on What Guns I “Need” or “Don’t Need”… - Tuesday January 22, 2013 at 5:18 pm
- Massacre Solution: The Brady Bunch Bill to Prohibit the Procreation of Irresponsible People - Sunday January 13, 2013 at 1:16 pm
- Whiny Atheists Protest Charlie Brown Christmas Special - Thursday November 29, 2012 at 9:24 am
