After 20 plus years of being on the radio, writing books and articles and speaking to a lot of people across the globe, I’ve been amazed at how people have both revived and ruined their lives. I have seen some amazing transformations in people’s lives, as well as some astonishing self-inflicted thrashings. Being the sardonic guy that I am, I’m particularly interested in those who boldly and zealously want to wreck their lives. You’ve gotta love them! I mean, without them, we wouldn’t feel as good about ourselves as much as we do. Yes, they keep schadenfreude alive and well, baby.
Being fascinated with the feckless has caused me to document the traits of the detrimentally determined in order to:
a. make certain that, by God’s grace, I don’t imitate them very often and
b. to have at my disposal solid, sure-fire bullet points to assist those who’re hell bent for mishaps because, as a minister, I feel it is my job to be non-judgmental and help all people achieve their goals, whatever they may be. [That’s the ministerial mantra of postmodernism, isn’t it?]
Now, let me allay some initial fears of those who think it is difficult to derail their lives. You are in luck. Believe it or not, having a chaotic and cruddy life isn’t as thorny as you might think. It is as easy as making a decision, in particular, consistently making bad decisions, and sticking with them no matter how much life kicks the snot out of you.
Yes, I guarantee, if you believe and obey these ten points below I can assure you that you’ll eventually be broke, friendless, a disaster to date or marry, a bad father or mother, and possibly a whore or a pimp or a welfare brat. More than likely, if you stay the course and develop what I call a Disaster Master Mind ?, you will end up costing the government lots of money. In addition, if you can actually find someone to procreate with, you will spawn a new generation of losers; and if you really embrace the following, you might end up eating government cheese and living in a van down by the river.
Here’s a challenge:
For 90 days . . . that’s just 90 days . . . commit to living out the proven loser principles below, and I can almost promise you that you will be well on your way to no where. This philosophy will work at anytime, anywhere and for anyone who desires an asinine existence. You can do this. You must believe that the Disaster Driven Life ? can be yours. It needn’t just be the acquisition of the few. You too can have one hell of a mess. Are you psyched? Well, then, let’s get busy with the fundamentals of The Disaster Master Mind ? points one through ten. Here they are.
1. Be a slacker.
2. Blame others.
3. Embrace hopelessness.
4. Follow others mindlessly.
5. Be a wet blanket.
6. Hang out with morons.
7. Be a self-obsessed me-monkey.
8. Stand for nothing.
9. Have an “it’s not my job” mentality.
10. Quit when the going gets tough.
In order to prepare you to truly succeed at being a loser, we will need to do more than scratch the surface of these 10 principles. Let’s delve a little deeper into each one to make sure you have everything you need to get started:
1. Be a slacker. To solidly step away from success and to assure your life sucks worse than an airplane toilet, you should avoid self-discipline, in all forms, at all costs. Yes, those who have been proficient at a putrid existence have ignored their body, mind and soul.
To insure your body conks out on you prematurely, I would focus on eating fatty foods, drinking massive volumes of alcohol, chain-smoking cigarettes, getting addicted to prescription meds and making certain you seldom, if ever, exercise. Yes, I would make every effort to get your body so choked full of poison and so overweight that you’re able to hide small toys in the folds of your fat. Excess and abuse is the key to a crappy life. Go for it . . . Don’t be shy. We know you can do it.
As far as your mind is concerned, I would completely blow off reading—especially anything substantial. Serious education is for the Einstein’s and who would want to be an Einstein? Heck, a lot of rappers, some athletes, anchors for CBS, writers for Newsweek, a moon walking pop star and plenty of other people who have completely blown off the proper use of the head have made it so, why shouldn’t you? They’re no better than you are. You, too, can be ignorant, and you, too, can screw your life up. If you feel like being stupid hasn’t paid off yet, don’t give up. Stay on the stupid wave, keep surfing it and under no circumstance pursue intelligence, enhance your common sense or attempt learn from other people’s failures.
As far as your soul goes, if you want to be a soulless waste of space, do nothing to strengthen your inner man. Let your mind, will and emotions rum amok. You don’t need this higher power crap. The amazing waste-oids that I have met have all been uniform in their beliefs that believing general and special revelation about God is for cripples. And you’re not a cripple. You’re the Master of Your Disaster, and you’re not going to allow ancient, road-tested wisdom sway your soul.
The large losers that I have met have rarely, if ever, touched the bible. They couldn’t care less if some of the greatest and most benevolent people in history were serious believers. To develop the Disaster Master Mind ?, convince yourself that the Old and New Testaments are unsubstantiated fairy tales written by a bunch of men a bazillion years ago, and that it’s irrelevant for modern times—that is, according to your undergrad philosophy teacher. To assure your decline in life, I would never pray, read the scripture or remotely follow any of its teachings. As a matter of fact, if you really want to muck up your life, do the opposite of what it says. Develop a deep disdain for anything divine. Y’know what else would be good? Start a blog devoted to ridiculing God, Christ and Christianity. Yeah, that’s it. Do that for a while and see what happens.
To be continued . . .
Doug Giles’ provocative weekly one-hour radio program, ‘The Clash’, has re-launched with several new features. Go to http://www.clashradio.com and hit ‘listen live.’