This got my Sunday off to a great start. Lorrie Goldstein of the Toronto Sun, comedy writer. Here’s 3/4 (‘scuse me Sun Media) of what is sure to be a classic, called “Liberal positions clearly defined”:
Hello there, folks, Prime Minister Paul Martin here, and before we’re plunged into a completely unnecessary election by the opposition parties, I just wanted to explain to you the position of the Liberal Party of Canada.
Let me be clear that we are opposed to an election that interferes with the Christmas holiday season, a time when Canadians want to reflect on the joy of family and friends, a time of goodwill and peace, a time of … of …
Uh, wait a minute. Did I just say the Christmas season?
What was I thinking? I mean, of course, that Canadians don’t want to be interrupted from their enjoyment of the Winter Holiday season.
Good God! How could I have been so politically incorrect, so multiculturally insensitive, so exclusionary, so ethno-centric, so patronizing, so deaf to the voice of the new Liberal Canada as to call Christmas, uh, Christmas.
Next thing you know … Wait a minute. Did I just say “Good God”? Good grief! What’s wrong with me today?
I mean, of course, Good God or Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Lord Krishna, Earth Mother, The Great Hairy Muffin In The Sky or whomever you conceive the Creator to be. Or don’t conceive Him … or Her … or It …to be, if you’re an atheist.
Anyway, I would next like to explain the reasons Finance Minister Ralph Goodale just promised you $30 billion in tax cuts as we head into this unwanted election.
Wait a minute. Did I just say tax cuts? Good Great Hairy Muffin In The Sky, of course I don’t mean tax cuts!
Tax cuts are what evil Conservatives like Stephen Harper, Preston Manning, Ralph Klein and Mike Harris always want to do. And as we all know from reading the Toronto Star, tax cuts are cruel, compassionless, kill poor people, are an expression of greed, a denial of the social contract, a repudiation of the welfare state and are directly responsible for the gang and gun violence in Toronto to say nothing of dandruff and Athlete’s Foot. Unless, of course, a Liberal like me introduces them, in which case they’re perfectly okay and a clever way to steal the Conservatives’ thunder.
Anyway, what I meant to say is that last week we actually promised $30 billion in Personal Income Productivity Enhancers (PIPES for short) in order to make us more globally competitive so that we can reduce our trade reliance on the evil, tyrannical, war-mongering United States and increase it with a nice, friendly, democratic country that truly respects free speech and human rights … China.
[…]
Read the last quarter of it on your own at the good Toronto Sun. While you’re there, read Michelle Mandel’s piece about the horrible shooting during the funeral in Toronto.
PTBC was founded by Mr. Johannesen in 2000.
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