We always hear stories in the media about Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s so-called “Hidden Agenda.”

This agenda is supposedly Harper’s secret plan to transform Canadians into a bunch of gun-toting, bible-thumping, Charter-hating, George Bush-loving, NASCAR-supporting rednecks.

Yet no one ever seems to mention that Liberal leader Stephane Dion might also have a secret agenda.

What kind of agenda?

Well if Dion is truly the ardent environmentalist he makes himself out to be, it’s likely he has all sorts of ideas on how to make our country “green,” ideas he might not be sharing with the rest of us.

So in the interest of transparency, I did a little digging to uncover some policies currently in vogue with the climate-change hysteria brigades.

What better way to find out what might be included in Dion’s “Hidden Green Agenda”?

What did I discover?

Well here are some planet-saving policies the Liberals might impose should they form the next government:

• A special carbon tax on babies.

Yes it turns out babies, those cuddly little bundles of joy, are in the eyes of environmentalists nothing but carbon- gas- emitting ecological disasters. As one Australian health care expert put it, “Every newborn baby in Australia represents a potent source of greenhouse gas emissions for an average of 80 years, not simply by breathing but by the profligate consumption of resources typical of our society”. So beware, Dion might be planning to impose a baby tax.

• New divorce rules

According to a “scientific study” divorce pollutes the environment because it splits households in two, doubling the demand for electricity and even water. So if the Liberals win power it seems likely those couples who wish to divorce will be forced to file an environmental impact study.

•  Banning beer fridges

A University of Alberta study says beer fridges contribute significantly to global warming. “People need to understand the impact of their lifestyles,” says British environmental consultant Joanna Yarrow. “Clearly the environmental implications of having a frivolous luxury like a beer fridge are not hitting home.” So no doubt to meet this threat, a Dion government would enact a strict “beer fridge registry”, which would be enforced by an elite police squad specially trained to root out illegal cooling devices as well as other “frivolous” luxuries.

• Mandatory toilet training

American singer Sheryl Crow once suggested a good way to combat global warming was to use only one square of toilet paper in the bathroom. A group called the Worldwatch Institute backed her up with a recent study showing toilet paper consumption was much higher in countries like Canada than it is in India. This startling study brings two questions to my mind: Who dreams up these studies? And is Dion planning to introduce toilet paper rationing to Canada? The mind shudders at the thought.

• New head of state

The greatest international expert on climate change seems to be failed American politician Al Gore. True, Gore has no scientific credentials. But he has something much more important—an academy award. So I would bet that somewhere in Dion’s hidden agenda there is a provision to change the constitution so that Gore can be made Canada’s new monarch. This is a radical change from a previous Liberal plan which was to make rock star Bono Canada’s new monarch.

Of course, it’s possible I might be all wrong. Maybe Dion won’t do any of these things, if he forms the next government.

But I for one don’t want to take any chances. Just imagine life without toilet paper.