I have some shockingly bad news for Liberals across the land and especially for Liberal leader Stephane Dion. After a great deal of exhaustive analytical research I have come to the indisputable conclusion that the Liberal Party would be much better off if it replaced Dion … with a carrot.
Yes that’s right a carrot.
This common vegetable—currently best known as a prop for Bugs Bunny—would actually make a better Liberal leader than Stephane Dion.
Now I realize this is an unconventional proposition and one that will be denounced by Liberal Party officials, media commentators and most of all by broccoli enthusiasts.
Many of these people will argue Dion is actually much smarter than a carrot. And of course he is.
But my argument is not based on Dion’s intelligence, which is only one characteristic of successful leadership, which explains why so many politicians have succeeded despite having less brainpower than a carrot.
There are, in fact, many other qualities that go into making a great leader.
And what I did was conduct a political science-like comparative analysis to see what happens when Dion goes “head to head” … er, I mean “head to root” against a carrot on some of these key leadership qualities.
Here are the results of my scientific study:
Vision
Stephane Dion wants to move the Liberal Party to the Left. A carrot is good for your eyesight. Advantage: The Carrot
Charisma
Stephane Dion is a former academic with a keen interest in constitutional affairs. A carrot is an inert piece of vegetable matter. Advantage: The Carrot
Environmental Policy
Stephane Dion has a green plan. A carrot is actually organic and has a green stem and feathery green leaves. Advantage: The Carrot
Speaking Ability
Stephane Dion speaks French and a dialect strongly resembling English. Carrots cannot speak. Advantage: Slight edge to Dion
Popularity
Stephane Dion has his Liberal Party members second-guessing his leadership, he is not doing so well in the polls and his party just lost a key byelection in his home province. Carrots are a wildly popular vegetable and a rich source of dietary fibre, antioxidants and minerals. Advantage: The Carrot
There you have it. Can’t argue with the facts. The carrot wins hands down. Well it would win hands down if a carrot had hands.
Yet I know despite such overwhelming evidence, there will still be doubters.
“We can’t have a carrot run a political party,” these doubters will say. “A carrot is not even a human.” And yes technically, I guess that’s true. However isn’t it time we set aside these petty biases and bigotries so commonly associated with those of us in the animal kingdom?
Didn’t our mothers always tell us to finish our vegetables? And this is a country, after all, built on tolerance and open-mindedness and on a willingness to adopt any politically correct fad.
So I say it’s time for a carrot to lead the Liberal Party.
One thing’s for sure, a carrot couldn’t do any worse than Stephane Dion.
Gerry is often sought out by the media to provide commentary and analysis on communication tactics and he has appeared regularly on public affairs programs, such CTV News channel's Power Play, TVO's The Agenda and CBC radio's The Current.
He has a regular column discussing political strategy in the Hill Times and his articles have appeared in major newspapers including the Globe and Mail, the National Post, the Ottawa Citizen and the Toronto Star. He's also author of the book, Loyal to the Core, Harper, Me and the NCC.
Gerry has given presentations to such groups as the Fraser Institute, the Liberty Summer Seminar, Civitas and the Alberta Law Society.
He currently resides in Oakville, Ontario.
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