Conservatives to provide free food, shelter and clothing for all

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The Article

In order to come clean with Canadians (owing to their advertised adherence to “values” and “taking personal responsibility”), the federal Conservatives under Prime Minister Stephen Harper admitted today that they’re prepared to cave to far-left liberals and all their far-left liberal media’s long-held demands and implications, and to simply steal the liberal-left’s motto, campaign promise, and main guiding principle of “if it feels good, do it”

According to news releases, not only will the state look after all your job, lack of job, training for jobs, finding a job, retirement, health, all manner of “learning”, your television viewing and news/current affairs/information needs, controlling your radio listening, abortion, and of course your homosexual needs, but now also free food, shelter and clothing will be made available to all Canadians, effective in the new 2006/2007 budget year.  Thus, they proudly proclaimed in their news release, they will be “the first party in Canada to get the priorities straight, like awesome”. 

“After all,” said our source, “while the state can of course look after the nation’s children (formerly known as “your” children and “families”), which under our state-run daycare (and “early learning” —wink!) plans will be plugged into state-run daycares while their humanoid upbringing control units (formerly known as “mom and dad”) are at work in order to pay taxes, what about food for our nation’s children?!  And shelter and clothing?!  Those are even more important than rearing your kids for you, and they’re like awesome priorities!!  So after 13 years of Liberal incompetence and ineptitude on this priorities thing, we’re like taking action.  Stand up for Canada!/Changeons pour vrai!” 

Asked whether or not that sounded “communist”, I was simply told that I was “homophobic” and a “racist”, and it was strongly suggested I put my name on the eight-month waiting list to check into a state mental health facility staffed by federal government-paid liberals, for “rehab” and “reprogramming” by social workers.  Then I was told I was a “neo-con” and the spokesman/womanoid kicked me in the nuts.

“We best just get on with it, and not just be tolerant of the communism, but embrace the communism,” a different source said, quoting an unnamed Harper aid who was hired on the basis of her being a lesbian.

In another move to appease the far left, the Conservatives announced today they will withdraw from Afghanistan, and take the now relatively right-wing socialist NDP’s advice and simply wait for the Islamofascists to come to Canada, and hopefully take over Canada, which “Canada’s New Government” acknowledged won’t be possible without thousands or millions of Canadians being killed.  Therefore a state-run pilot project has been announced to provide grief counseling to non-Muslim Canadian women, and gays, and environmentalists, and of course non-Christians.  “Christians have that whole ‘God’ thing to take care of them, so the state needs to fill the equality gap”, our source, a vegan, proudly proclaimed.  Canadians are instructed to tune into the official informational TV ads which will be featured on the state-run CBC during the state-funded “Little Mosque on the Prairie” TV “information” and state “entertainment” series.

Sharia law for all of Canada will also now be formerly introduced by the newly appointed Minister of Appeasement, Jack Layton.  “Ramadanadingydong!” was all Layton could utter, fighting back the tears and adjusting his blouse while his “life partner” Olivia Chow adjusted her pants. 

“That whole ‘Stand up for Canada’ thing is passé!”, said the Conservative Party source, struggling to find the French word for “passé”, for bilingual purposes.  “Being all-inclusive and trendy, no matter how stupid”, is the new mantra of the Conservative Party of Canada, said another unnamed source, shouting down from the treehouse where she lives. 

As such, in an apparent move to literally kiss liberal-leftist butts and finally “fit in”, the Liberals’ Green Guru, Stephane Dion, was asked to welcome a just-announced full-on commitment to the Kyoto Accord, which will now become “Section Three” of our Constitution.  The Conservatives have agreed to commit up to but not ever exceeding somewhere around 186 BILLION dollars per year, give or take a few billion (depending on reports from government-funded leftist environmentalist “scientists” and far-leftist political “scientists”), to fight all the man-made global warming, which is, by the way, now also against the law to argue against lest we be charged under the revised Criminal Code (Cod Criminalle) of being a “climate change denier”, which is now a federal offence which the liberals’ Supreme Court division found hiding in the liberals’ Charter of Rights beside the part where it says “gay marriage is a God-given human right and makes perfect sense from a penis/vagina standpoint”. 

“There will be not reduction in hall the temperATures,” acknowledged Liberal Frenchman Dion, “but hatt least we will av… some eCONomic raison for all the socialiste program and we hwill HONN-er our KYO-to COMmitment… in the new millennium,” he said, before grabbing a bite of his cheese and nibbling on it for approximately ten minutes. 

On a related liberal-left and now Conservative Party front, abortion will not only continue to be taxpayer-paid and available to all women at any time in any pregnancy just as it is now, and just as liberals have demanded, but the Conservatives will now adopt the communist Chinese model, a high level government source known only as “Choix” said, citing the fact that “there are an awful lot of the Chinese people here already, so like what the hell, eh, dude!  As I always say, Gung Hey Fat Choix!”.  They will furthermore make it a law that like in China, all women must have an abortion after one baby, to allow time for Canada’s Muslim population to catch up, for equality and multicultural promotion purposes. 

But in a drive to make it a “Made In Canada” solution, women will be told to abort only if that baby is a boy—in a nod to Canada’s Marxist feminists, whom will also receive a 13 BILLION dollar court challenges, propaganda-spreading, and equality grant.  “It’s a start… a noble gesture to pick up where the Liberals left off,” said Mizzz Emma Greenvagina, “but of course we still say all Christian men should be duct-taped to the wall and mocked, and we expect the Harper Conservatives to act on that in the coming year.”  A committee has been struck, headed by socialist lesbian Libby Davies (rumored to be the next King of Canada and CBC president) to explore the idea of at least further hampering Christians in their drive to turn back the tide, by kicking them in the nuts real hard and rendering them impotent.  “We strive for balance and equality in all things, and therefore their weighty righteousness has to be reduced and mocked to the greatest extent possible so our comparatively hideously embarrassing licentious behavior can blossom in relative equalness,” she said while touring the new state-run condom factory called CBC-3.  Then she lit a doobie, then kicked me in the nuts.

Gay marriage will now be mandatory and will be officially proclaimed to be “the norm” in Canada.  “It’s traditional marriage that is so freaking bizarre,” said a source known only as “Mizz Brison”, an apparent transvestite, “and we intend to dismantle the traditional marriage monopoly in Canada.  It’s destroying gayness!,” she or whatever lamented, while wiping tears off his blouse. 

New federal Education Minister and Minister of State for Marginalizing Conservatives, Mizz Svendetta Robinson-(dash)___ (yes, that’s how it’s spelled: “Robinson-(dash)___”), said that finally, as they’ve been demanding all these years, kids of all ages, starting in the early learning component of the new state-run child care/day care and early learning secretariat level, will be taught how to have gay sex —properly— in a real classroom setting, using actual gay folk in addition to the more traditional cucumbers.  State-employed abortion advocates (called “family planning councilors”) will be on hand giving out free Google Canada (a CBC-owned division of the real Google) bike-riding route maps to the many state abortion clinics, and free state-supplied AIDS drugs will be given out to all, just as a necessary precaution, at recess and personal self-worth hour, along with a wad of cheese from the federal Cheese Marketing And Equality Board of Canada. 

Also, caving to demands from the liberals and their media, the mention of God will now finally be stricken from all things, according to the lengthy news release printed on recycled hemp paper using soy inks.  Taking His place:  Al Gore and his prophet, Michael Moore.  Sunday will be renamed Goreday.  Monday will be Mooreday.  The years (i.e., “2007”) will be renamed to “01”, since as the Godless atheists pointed out, “2007” refers directly to Jesus, and “01” more accurately reflects “the new reality” according to the United Nations and Al Gore.  (There’s only two digits because as is stated in the Gospels of “The Inconvenient Truth”, there’s only ten years left anyway, and this leaves room for up to 99 in any case, which is cited as “long-range planning” based on Kyoto targets being reached “maybe, fingers crossed, Gore willing”).  I inquired about the former Prophet David Suzuki, who was apparently overlooked, but he was reportedly found to actually be a fraud and will be sent to Israel to search for Jesus and his wife and kids’ tomb for a later series on the state-run CBC’s “The Passionate Eye”.  Then the spokesperson, a woman with armpit hairs extruding from under her muscle shirt, kicked me in the nuts.

I sought more news from Conservatives and was directed to an official spokesman, a fella named Marcelle, who had pierced nipples in addition to a tongue piercing and who stunk like a hippy.  He asked me on a date so I left.


Joel Johannesen
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