As the field of potential Republican presidential candidates looks increasingly like a field of potential Democratic presidential candidates, the “Mike Adams for President” movement seems to be gaining momentum. In fact, a new group on Face Book (“Dr. Mike Adams, The Real American Hero”) is recruiting campaign helpers as we speak. The group characterizes me as an “ultra-right wing” alternative for 2008.
But before I proceed further with my campaign, it is important that I reveal some of my more liberal tendencies. I don’t want the public to vote for someone they think is conservative but, in reality, harbors some liberal views (I’ll try to refrain from any remarks about our two recent liberal presidents – numbers 41 and 43).
So, today, it is my intention to come clean and announce a massive new government entitlement program, which will be put into effect as soon as I am elected president. The idea for my program comes from some recent exchanges I’ve had during my speeches on college campuses. When you hear these exchanges – they are paraphrased below – you will, no doubt, understand the necessity of my new taxpayer supported program.
Student: I have a question about the Genocide Day you are proposing for February of …
Dr. Adams: Wait just a second. Did you say Genocide Day?
Dr. Adams: I did not say “Genocide Day,” I said “Genocide Awareness Day.” We are planning on protesting Planned Parenthood’s mass execution of blacks. We are not planning on killing a bunch of babies of the same race.
Student: Oh, sorry.
Student: I cannot believe you would tell homosexuals to just “get over it” in response to hate crimes. I mean, if someone beat me with a baseball bat and put me in the hospital because I’m gay…
Dr. Adams: I’m sorry but that isn’t what I said. If someone calls you a “fag” you should just get over it. If someone actually engages in violence with a bat, we, as a society, should charge him with attempted murder or aggravated battery. I made a clear distinction between violent and non-violent acts that you seem unable to grasp.
Try this: Go back to your seat and say “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Say it three times until you’ve calmed down. Then get back up and ask another question.
Student: Did I just hear you say that you are a libertarian?
Dr. Adams: No.
Students: You said you had libertarian views, right?
Dr. Adams: No. I said I had libertarian economic views.
Student: Why do you pro-life men think that you have a right to control our bodies? Why can’t you keep your hands off my body?
Dr. Adams: I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?
Student: I’m sorry but I didn’t hear what you said. Could you repeat that?
Dr. Adams: Sure. I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?
Student: No, it wasn’t the woman’s penis.
(More audience laughter)
Dr. Adams: Very good. A woman doesn’t have a penis. So I guess it’s not just a woman’s body we’re talking about here.
Student: You fight so hard for pro lifers and their right to be heard. If I am pro-choice, do I not have a right to be heard? Why can’t I be pro-choice just like a pro-lifer can be pro-life?
Dr. Adams: That was what the whole speech was about – how we expand the marketplace of ideas without censoring our opponents. That’s why I paraphrased Mill by saying “censorship robs us of a greater appreciation of the truth via its juxtaposition with falsity.” If you asked such a question, you cannot have listened to more than five minutes of the speech.
Student: But …
Dr. Adams: Next question, please.
Student: You made a big deal out of the woman who broke the pro-life signs with her students. What about the people who bomb abortion clinics? Isn’t that worse?
Dr. Adams: Yes. Killing people is worse than breaking signs. That’s a pretty easy one. That’s why I condemned it in my speech just a few minutes ago.
Student: Dr. Adams, I just don’t understand why you have to be so sarcastic when you answer people’s questions – like that woman on the second row…
Dr. Adams: Well, listen to me this time. You’ve been up at the microphone three times to ask the same question. This is your final opportunity to grasp the point. The woman accused me of supporting slavery right after I gave a speech decrying campus racial segregation and racist affirmative action policies. The whole speech was about treating black people the same as white people. But she was so angry she did not hear a word I said. I have given you the same answer three times – with slight variations in wording – so it’s time to give someone else the microphone.
These tense moments are pretty rare in my campus speeches as I usually find common ground with my opponents. But, fortunately, the tense moments all have one thing in common: These liberals are simply not hearing what I’m saying. (If they were, they wouldn’t be liberals anymore).
So, clearly, if elected president, I must wage my war on liberalism with the goal of somehow getting these liberals to listen to what I’m saying. That is why I plan to provide (at government expense) an unlimited supply of Murine Ear Wax Removal Drops. This Carbamide Peroxide Ear Wax Removal Aid will be given to every man, woman, and child in America upon request. We will even give them to illegal aliens if our budget permits.
I predict that when these stubborn liberals get the wax out of their ears, they will subsequently be able to pull the corn cobs out of their (backsides). Who would have ever imagined that a government entitlement program would cause the destruction, rather than the furtherance, of the collectivist mind set in America?
Whoever came up with such a grand idea clearly deserves to be President. I thank you in advance for your vote.