As the field of potential Republican presidential candidates looks increasingly like a field of potential Democratic presidential candidates, the “Mike Adams for President” movement seems to be gaining momentum. In fact, a new group on Face Book (“Dr. Mike Adams, The Real American Hero”) is recruiting campaign helpers as we speak. The group characterizes me as an “ultra-right wing” alternative for 2008.
But before I proceed further with my campaign, it is important that I reveal some of my more liberal tendencies. I don’t want the public to vote for someone they think is conservative but, in reality, harbors some liberal views (I’ll try to refrain from any remarks about our two recent liberal presidents – numbers 41 and 43).
So, today, it is my intention to come clean and announce a massive new government entitlement program, which will be put into effect as soon as I am elected president. The idea for my program comes from some recent exchanges I’ve had during my speeches on college campuses. When you hear these exchanges – they are paraphrased below – you will, no doubt, understand the necessity of my new taxpayer supported program.
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Student: I have a question about the Genocide Day you are proposing for February of …
Dr. Adams: Wait just a second. Did you say Genocide Day?
Student: Yes.
Dr. Adams: I did not say “Genocide Day,” I said “Genocide Awareness Day.” We are planning on protesting Planned Parenthood’s mass execution of blacks. We are not planning on killing a bunch of babies of the same race.
Student: Oh, sorry.
***
Student: I cannot believe you would tell homosexuals to just “get over it” in response to hate crimes. I mean, if someone beat me with a baseball bat and put me in the hospital because I’m gay…
Dr. Adams: I’m sorry but that isn’t what I said. If someone calls you a “fag” you should just get over it. If someone actually engages in violence with a bat, we, as a society, should charge him with attempted murder or aggravated battery. I made a clear distinction between violent and non-violent acts that you seem unable to grasp.
Try this: Go back to your seat and say “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Say it three times until you’ve calmed down. Then get back up and ask another question.
***
Student: Did I just hear you say that you are a libertarian?
Dr. Adams: No.
Students: You said you had libertarian views, right?
Dr. Adams: No. I said I had libertarian economic views.
Student: Oh.
***
Student: Why do you pro-life men think that you have a right to control our bodies? Why can’t you keep your hands off my body?
Dr. Adams: I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?
(Audience laughter)
Student: I’m sorry but I didn’t hear what you said. Could you repeat that?
Dr. Adams: Sure. I saw a picture of an aborted baby once. The pieces were scattered about and a tiny little penis was sitting next to the baby’s head. Whose penis was it? Was it the woman’s penis?
Student: No, it wasn’t the woman’s penis.
(More audience laughter)
Dr. Adams: Very good. A woman doesn’t have a penis. So I guess it’s not just a woman’s body we’re talking about here.
***
Student: You fight so hard for pro lifers and their right to be heard. If I am pro-choice, do I not have a right to be heard? Why can’t I be pro-choice just like a pro-lifer can be pro-life?
Dr. Adams: That was what the whole speech was about – how we expand the marketplace of ideas without censoring our opponents. That’s why I paraphrased Mill by saying “censorship robs us of a greater appreciation of the truth via its juxtaposition with falsity.” If you asked such a question, you cannot have listened to more than five minutes of the speech.
Student: But …
Dr. Adams: Next question, please.
***
Student: You made a big deal out of the woman who broke the pro-life signs with her students. What about the people who bomb abortion clinics? Isn’t that worse?
Dr. Adams: Yes. Killing people is worse than breaking signs. That’s a pretty easy one. That’s why I condemned it in my speech just a few minutes ago.
***
Student: Dr. Adams, I just don’t understand why you have to be so sarcastic when you answer people’s questions – like that woman on the second row…
Dr. Adams: Well, listen to me this time. You’ve been up at the microphone three times to ask the same question. This is your final opportunity to grasp the point. The woman accused me of supporting slavery right after I gave a speech decrying campus racial segregation and racist affirmative action policies. The whole speech was about treating black people the same as white people. But she was so angry she did not hear a word I said. I have given you the same answer three times – with slight variations in wording – so it’s time to give someone else the microphone.
***
These tense moments are pretty rare in my campus speeches as I usually find common ground with my opponents. But, fortunately, the tense moments all have one thing in common: These liberals are simply not hearing what I’m saying. (If they were, they wouldn’t be liberals anymore).
So, clearly, if elected president, I must wage my war on liberalism with the goal of somehow getting these liberals to listen to what I’m saying. That is why I plan to provide (at government expense) an unlimited supply of Murine Ear Wax Removal Drops. This Carbamide Peroxide Ear Wax Removal Aid will be given to every man, woman, and child in America upon request. We will even give them to illegal aliens if our budget permits.
I predict that when these stubborn liberals get the wax out of their ears, they will subsequently be able to pull the corn cobs out of their (backsides). Who would have ever imagined that a government entitlement program would cause the destruction, rather than the furtherance, of the collectivist mind set in America?
Whoever came up with such a grand idea clearly deserves to be President. I thank you in advance for your vote.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
- Kids Write Obama on Abortion; Obama Misplaces Them - Tuesday January 22, 2013 at 5:15 pm
- Stand For Life - Wednesday January 16, 2013 at 12:44 pm
- Fellowship in the Woodlands - Thursday January 3, 2013 at 1:23 pm
