The other day my husband wrecked the car. I think he did it for me.
You see, in our years together I have put a hole in the sliding door of our van, wrecked a friend’s bumper while denting our other door, ran into someone’s trailer hitch, producing yet another hole and dented our own bumper so many times I can’t list them all. During the last trip to have our bumper repaired, the mechanic helpfully offered to install those round white bumper pads boats use to the front of our car. Keith laughed. I did not.
But there is no possible way you can blame our shattered windshield on me, so harmony is restored in our home. The tragedy occurred when Keith went to back up in the dark after parking beside a friend’s farm. He went into reverse, failing to notice the dangling tree branch smack in the middle of our rear window. We heard a bang and then a shattering sound.
After inspecting the damage we drove home, discussing the likely cost of the window (conclusion—probably less than my door) and listening to the pretty “tinkle tinkle” as more glass fell off at every stop sign.
Yet somehow it makes me feel lighter just knowing Keith finally did something bad, too. It’s no good in a relationship when one person feels like they are always the bad one. Of course, bad and good when it comes to cars is not nearly as serious as bad and good when it comes to respecting one another’s feelings, or raising the kids, or simply being kind. But whatever the cause, lopsided relationships are very dangerous.
Let’s say you’re the bad one and you actually start to improve. You spend time with the kids, or start remembering birthdays, or finally figure out what a mop is for. Too often it feels like the good one gives you no credit either because you’ll never be good enough, or because he or she is too invested in this “good” identity. We probably all know people with this classic martyr complex. It’s like that old joke, “how many mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” And the answer from the “good” mother: “None. I’ll just sit here in the dark like a dog. You go on with your lives. I wouldn’t want to bother you.” It’s not only mothers who can be martyrs, either. Children, spouses, friends, even co-workers can adopt this identity that inevitably poisons everything. And when the good person fails to see the good in the other, the “bad” is likely to withdraw. He starts spending more time at work, or she stops telling him anything at all because there’s just no point in trying. They can never be good enough.
Relationships are like clothing. When they’ve been sitting around in one position for too long they get wrinkled, and it’s hard to get those wrinkles out. We grow used to the fact that she’s the one who wrecks the car, or he’s the insensitive one, or mom’s the one who does all the giving, and we can’t even notice when patterns change.
And that’s why I think the “good” ones in relationships have a choice to make. Do you want your identity tied up in being good, or do you want a good relationship? A relationship can’t withstand someone always being the bad one. Some relationships, of course, are not worth salvaging. The bad person is just too bad: they’re abusive, they’re downright mean, they’re unfaithful. It’s time to end it. But if you do want that relationship to get better, then at some point you’re going to have to let the bad one off the hook for all the dents they’ve caused to your bumper.
Most of us could benefit from a little of Anne of Green Gables’ attitude when she said, “Oh, Marilla, isn’t it wonderful that tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in yet?” Try to deal with the hurt and the anger once and for all and just be kind to one another. After all, a shattered windshield can be fixed. If we shatter someone’s self-worth, it’s a lot harder to pick up the pieces.
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