I love to fly. It’s a time when I can sit back and prepare for a speech (that is my usual destination), think deep thoughts, and fine-tune my sarcasm. As you can imagine, a lot of deep questions pop into my mind during air travel. Fortunately, I manage to keep those questions to myself. But, today, I have a really bad altitude and I feel like letting them fly. Sadly, the following questions and comments came from just one day at the airport and on one flight to Cincinnati:
Sir, will you please wrap it up? There are other people in line, here. I know, sir, but all seven of your bags are over the fifty pound limit. Yes, I know you don’t FEEL like paying the extra charge. Well, if your wife doesn’t speak English, why didn’t YOU call about the weight limit instead of her? It isn’t Delta’s fault that your wife can’t speak the language. Ma’am, did you just call me a bastard? That was in English, wasn’t it?
Sir, can I borrow a white towel? Well, I forgot mine. Oh, I see what you mean. I usually wrap one around my head to keep from being searched at the airport…like that 80 year old white lady with the “I Love Jesus” t-shirt. Thanks. Can I have another one to throw down on the floor? What? Well, I intend to point it toward the East, kneel down, and say a quick prayer to Allah. I told you, I don’t want to get searched. I’m running late because of that guy at the counter.
What the hell did you just say to me? Who’s my daddy? Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you were on your cell phone. Who uses the cell phone while sitting on the toilet, anyway? I mean, what happens when she hears the toilet flush? You know you can’t control those automatic flushers. They have a mind of their own! Didn’t you know that? Flipping idiot!
No, you can’t, sir. I paid eight dollars for those. Get your own tots!
Hi son, what is your name? You sure are fast. I’ve never seen a kid run so fast from one end of the airport to the other. Too bad your parents aren’t nearby to see this. I have an idea. See that sign that says “security check point: Do NOT enter”? If you run about ten yards past it, that makes 100 yards. I’ll time you with my stop watch. Ready? Set? GO!
Excuse me, sir. That is the sixteenth time you have said “bulls***” in the same cell phone conversation. Yes, I can tell you have a bad reception, but do you mind taking it elsewhere? Thank you, sir. ….Yes, officer,I’d like to report an abandoned suitcase. I don’t know. Some guy was just swearing a lot and then he took off. Seemed real nervous. There he is, yes, the guy on the cell phone. Maybe you should arrest him.
How old are you, ma’am? I mean, you just look so young to have five children and six tattoos. What are their names? No, I mean the children. Oh, I thought his name was Jesus Christ. Never mind. How old is the one who keeps banging his head on the window? Do you think that might cause stupidity? or is it the stupidity that causes him to bang his head on glass windows in the first place? Yes, it really is a lot like the chicken and the egg, isn’t it? Genes are important, aren’t they? Oh nothing, never mind.
Really, you’re from Pennsylvania? How interesting. And you like NASCAR, too? That’s great. Where did you go to college? Quaker State? Just kidding. Could you pass me those earplugs?
Ma’am, that woman in the back with six tattoos keeps threatening to hit her child if he doesn’t shut up by the count of three. Yes, I know it’s her right but now she’s at the count of 375. Would you mind flushing that kid’s head down the toilet? No? Why not? Well, can I flush his head down the toilet? No? Well, why did you say, “If there’s anything I can do to make the flight comfortable, just ask?
One more question, stewardess. Flight attendant? Okay, whatever. Could you please double your rates before I fly again next week? I’m sick and tired of “affordable” air travel. There’s a reason I didn’t take the bus. At least, there used to be a reason.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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