In my thirteen years as a college professor, I’ve never seen joy and celebration that rivals the response to Dick Cheney’s hunting accident. Of course, that’s really saying something. Bringing American professors to laughter is nearly as tough as bringing American feminists to orgasm. It’s a theoretical possibility that is seldom achieved without a workshop.
The liberal reaction to Cheney’s accident may vary slightly from liberal to liberal but there is one common characteristic; namely, these liberals feel morally superior because they’ve never shot someone on a hunting trip.
Of course, the fact that the dancing liberals have never gone hunting doesn’t seem to attenuate these feelings of moral superiority. Similar logic would lead a 12-year-old to brag about his clean driving record or a blind man to boast that he’s never downloaded pornography.
But, I have a serious question to ask all these gleeful liberals while the Cheney story is still in the headlines: How does a) the accidental near-taking of human life compare with b) the actual (and intentional) taking of human life, in conjunction with recreational activity?
Whether your favorite sport is casual sex or quail hunting, the answer to this question is important. It is a given that the anti-gun lobby will try to use this accident to impose new restrictions on hunters and gun owners. But, rather than go after the hunters, I would insist that we place the following limitations on abortion. These restrictions will help foster gender equality – a goal I share with the American feminists:
1. Abortion season. Presently, a hunter (in North Carolina, where I reside) is able to harvest a quail or pheasant only between October 1st and March 31st. I propose that an abortion season be established for six months of every year. This would be a good compromise in a country torn between the pro-choice and pro-life positions.
2. Bag limit. I would also propose that women be limited to a maximum of three abortions in a lifetime. This will help us considerably in our human conservation efforts. Also, when the Islamic terrorists start to attack the homeland, it is important to ensure that the feminists have not aborted the armies we need to defend our nation. Just look at what’s happening in Europe.
3. Negligence citations. When a hunter pulls the trigger without knowing what is in the line of fire, he faces a possible citation. The same thing should happen when someone pulls the trigger on an abortion without knowing whether the object of the procedure is or is not a person. All of the women who can’t explain their position on this issue should be given a fine of no more than $160 with no jail time.
4. Dependency restrictions. When I see a young spotted deer next to a large doe I hold my fire. I want to make sure that the fawn has a mother to nurse it until it can take care of itself. For some reason, the liberals see dependency differently. Rather than showing mercy to the dependent they use dependency as a reason abort, often calling the fetus a “parasite.” I think that the pro-choice crowd should adopt the kinder stance used by deer hunters. This will help to protect the young until after they graduate from college.
5. Abortion safety education. Anyone who is about to have an abortion should take an abortion safety class. The students should be shown films of the fetus inside the womb at three months. This will test their confidence in the assertion that the fetus is “just a clump of cells.” Women should also be told about the miscarriages they may suffer after having one or more abortions. Finally, they should be told to wear an orange cap and vest during abortion season to let men know that their child will be aborted if they get one of these women pregnant. The cap and vest would only be required of women who believe that the man has no right to be involved in the decision to abort.
For what it’s worth, those are my thoughts about the latest display of liberal hypocrisy. We have enough restrictions on those who harvest quail. It’s time for more on those who harvest humans.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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