The last two weeks have been good ones. The Republicans have taken back the U.S. House of Representatives. The Republicans have also seized control of the N.C. State House and Senate for the first time since 1898. To top it all off, my boss, Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo resigned as university Chancellor and decided to make a “full break” with the university. That means she will not be taking a tenured full professorship on our faculty, which was an option included in her original contract.
It may come as a surprise to some but I have decided to throw my hat in the ring for DePaolo’s job. My letter to the hiring committee will outline all of the changes I intend to make if appointed chancellor. Some of the most important changes follow:
1. Abolition of the African American Center. We had the segregation problem solved before the African American Center (I call it the “black lounge”) was built in the 1990s. Now, the few blacks we have on campus just sit around in the black lounge talking to other black people. The rest of the campus serves as a Caucasian American Center. So I plan to get rid of the black lounge and replace it with a bar. That way, if there is racial tension the offending party can invite the offended party to a “beer summit” on campus. If you think that’s a bad idea, I’m sorry. I got it from our multi-racial president.
2. Abolition of the LGBTQIA Resource Center. If we’re going to have a solvent health insurance plan we need to stop encouraging unhealthy behavior. If sexuality is genetically fixed then there’s really no reason to “celebrate” it as a form of diversity. That makes about as much sense as having an LA Resource Center to celebrate left-handedness and ambidextrous-ness. It is time for our students to stop celebrating how special they are and start studying. That would really be special.
3. Abolition of the Women’s Center. Last year, these women put naked pictures of little girls in the library. This year, they funded an anti-pornography speech urging women to use their minds, not their bodies, to get ahead in this world. I know a feminist is entitled to change her mind. But she isn’t entitled to the government funding of her intellectual and moral inconsistencies. The Women’s Center is now taking up space in the library. When it is gone, we can replace it with something more appropriate. My suggestion: Books.
4. Abolition of the six-digit public servant. When I became a professor in 1993 the Chancellor made $98,000. Today, there are over 150 administrators making over $100,000. That number will fall to zero when I become chancellor. And that includes me. I will not accept more than $98,000 as your chancellor. I will climb into the six-digit range the old fashioned way: By writing puerile columns for anti-intellectual websites.
5. Abolition of the Watson School of Education. We need to do something to raise our SAT scores. Getting rid of education majors is the best way to do that. Last year I discovered that one of our education professors was teaching “black English” to white students. Next year, I plan to demolish his building to make room for a new football stadium. I plan to call the new team the UNC-Wilmington Wiggers in his honor.
6. Abolition of the student activity fee. The student activity fee at my school has skyrocketed to $995 per semester. These hidden fees (in addition to skyrocketing tuition) are making college education inaccessible to the poor. But it’s worse than that. These fees are being used to provide jobs for the incompetent. For example, these student activities employees supervise athletic events and occasionally ban groups for violating “speech codes” during athletic events – even though the speech codes are unconstitutional. I say we hit them with some really offensive speech like “You’re fired!”
7. Abolition of the university police. Ever since the campus Dunkin’ Donuts opened the physical condition of our university police has declined dramatically. We should allow students to protect themselves by letting concealed weapon permits apply on campus. If reinforcements are needed, we can just call in the county sheriff.
8. Abolition of tenure. A guarantee of lifetime employment guarantees underperformance. Getting rid of tenure will not just increase productivity but will also increase civility. No one ever got nicer after getting tenure – except for me, of course.
9. Abolition of the Center for Teaching Excellence. If someone is doing a bad job of teaching we should not take good teachers out of the classroom to tutor him. We should simply fire him and allow him to find something else he can do better. The teaching experts who were taken out of the classroom to teach bad teachers can get back to doing what they did before: Teaching students.
10. Demolition of the Chancellor’s mansion. Chancellor DePaolo once said that she worries that the kind of people who read my columns are also the kind of people who bomb abortion clinics. That isn’t exactly true. But Bill Ayers reads my columns. And Bill Ayers knows how to make bombs. So I’m going to fly that terrorist bastard in to bomb the chancellor’s mansion just as soon as she moves out. When I take over as chancellor I’ll live in my own house and pay my own mortgage. Besides that, I really hate DePaolo’s taste in wallpaper.
My ten point plan may be humorous in some places but it is not a joke. I am completely serious about my willingness to serve as chancellor. And if the legislators of the State of North Carolina are serious about getting out of debt they will listen carefully to my ideas.