I just don’t get it. Many city governments have had a chance to do something about serious panhandling problems but have been reluctant because of the First Amendment. For example, one of the local “leaders” in my hometown once refused to support an anti-panhandling ordinance because of free speech.
Sadly, the aforementioned politician had previously refused to support a local school teacher who used the word “niggardly” simply because it sounded like a word he didn’t like. In other words, he isn’t a defender of free speech. He just a) assumes that all panhandlers are black, and b) always sides with black people to get re-elected.
It goes to show that many self-proclaimed defenders of free speech are really just self-interested whores – present company excluded.
But now that I have realized most panhandlers use a word that “sounds like” a word I don’t like – most ask for a “buck” though they seldom discuss “angina” – I’ve decided to fight back. In fact, I’ve been waging my own personal war on panhandlers for months now. Since I’ve gotten pretty good at it, I’ve decided to share a dozen or so of my best responses to panhandlers. Hopefully, they will help you to avoid unpleasant encounters. So, without any further delay, I sincerely hope you enjoy the following:
Crack Head (hereafter “CH”): “Excuse me brother, but could you spare some change?”
Major Smart Aleck (hereafter “MSA”): “No, but if you would like I’ll go straight to the projects to buy you some crack rock. I like to know for certain how people are spending my money.”
CH: “Excuse me brother but …”
MSA: “You already asked me that once. Don’t you recognize me? Oh, I get it – you think all white people look alike. You’re a (rhymes with “bucking”) racist!”
******
CH: “Hey buddy, you got a dollar I could …”
MSA: “No sir. All I have is a bunch of 100 dollar bills and a gun.”
******
CH: “Hey brother, don’t I know you?”
MSA: “Yes. Yes, I believe you do. We met in jail after I pistol whipped that guy who tried to panhandle me after starting a fake conversation.”
******
CH: “Buddy could …”
MSA: “Hi, I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Could I have a few minutes of your time?”
******
CH: “Sir, do you have some money I could send back to my family in Mexico?”
MSA: (Hands him a single peso).
******
CH: “Buddy could …”
MSA: Hi, I’m with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Could I have a few minutes of your time?
******
CH: “Hey mister …”
MSA: (Faking conversation on cell phone). “I don’t know, Scott. I mean killing panhandlers is a little too much. I think they should just be castrated. We are talking about the first offense, right? Recidivists should definitely be hung or shot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going liberal on you.”
******
CH: “Mister …”
MSA: “Could you spare some change?”
CH: (silence).
******
CH: “Sorry to bother you, sir …”
MSA: “Oh, you’re not bothering me at all. Lately, I’ve been eager to talk to a black male panhandler about racism. One of my communist colleagues thinks that racism causes poverty, which, in turn, causes panhandling. But I’ve never been panhandled by a black female. And I’ve been panhandled many times by white males. Clearly, racism is not your problem. What exactly is your problem?”
******
CH: “Sir …”
MSA: “I’ll bet you all the money in my pocket that you’re about to ask me for money.”
CH: “How did you know that?”
MSA: “Well, at least you’re honest. If you were a little brighter you would have said ‘You’re wrong’ and received $196 in cash. Of course, if you were brighter you wouldn’t be begging a guy with a loaded weapon.”
******
CH: “Spare change? Have you got a little spare change, buddy?”
MSA: “I’m sorry but I’m just too niggardly in my use of spare change. Don’t I know you from somewhere? Have you ever served on City Council? ”
.
Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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