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Ending Harassment

A friend of mine is having his name dragged through the mud in a quasi-sexual harassment suit. The whole episode has got me thinking about the ways we twist ourselves into knots over these issues today.

Our impulse to end sexual harassment started quite nobly. Governments and regulatory bodies started listening to women’s horror stories and passed sexual harassment laws. Female patients reported psychiatrists taking advantage of their fragile mental states to pressure them into sexual activity. Other women explained how they were coerced into a relationship if they wanted to keep their jobs. I’m glad Canada stepped up to the plate to punish such behaviour where the power imbalance was so great.

By trying to end to all sexual harassment, though, the laws have been made so stringent that they’re easily abused. A man can have his life raked through the coals on an accusation, like the three Duke University lacrosse players who were tarred in the media even though it turns out the girl made everything up. Now people will be less likely to believe the next genuine victim of gang rape.

And the bad news for women doesn’t end there. Today, our rules tend to infantilize the very people they’re supposed to protect. In many professional codes of conduct, the implication is that as long as there is a power imbalance, any relationship automatically constitutes sexual harassment, as if the woman—and it usually is a woman—couldn’t think for herself. Did Monica go willingly into the Oval Office? Seems to me she did. That makes Clinton just as much an idiot, but those claiming Monica was an innocent victim were going a little far. Yet women who have entered into such a relationship, and then regretted it later, can come back and claim harassment, putting a man’s career at risk. He may be as big an idiot as the former president, but should he lose his livelihood over it? Or, if the tables are turned, should she?

Rather than trying to exempt such relationships, though, “non-fraternization” rules have been made even more stringent. Many professionals, like dentists or doctors, are not supposed to have relationships with anyone who is a current patient, a recent patient, or a relative of a patient. What if you’re the only dentist in a small town? Do you have to stick to those who don’t mind bad teeth, to ensure your potential date is unlikely to walk into your office? Or what if you’re the patient, and you’d like to ask your young optometrist out? To abide by the rules, you’d have to fire her and then wait a while to make your move. What if it’s too late by then?

Even more problematically, if you ask couples who have been married for twenty or thirty years how they met, chances are you’d hear lots of things like, “she was a nurse in the hospital where I was an intern”, or “she was my secretary”, or “he was my grad supervisor”. In other words, they met at work. And do you know why they met at work? Because that’s where we spend most of our time. If you can’t date those you work with, where do you meet potential dates?

When my cousin was in med school, we heard of a young, seriously stupid doctor who performed a gynecological exam on a patient. That night, he saw that same woman at a bar and asked her out. She, quite rightly, had a conniption. Obviously such things cross the line. But most interactions are far fuzzier, and that makes life very difficult for single people.

In general, none of these rules would be necessary if everyone just acted like adults. So how about this: No touching at work. Treat people with respect. If you see someone you like, and you’re both available, find a nice way to get to know each other better outside of the office. If you break up, keep that outside the office, too. If everybody did those things, we’d have no problems. Because some people won’t act responsibly, though, everybody else must suffer under ridiculously cumbersome rules. The only ones benefiting, it seems to me, are internet dating services. That’s a sad situation, and one that’s not likely to get any better.

S. Wray Gregoire
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