Author’s note: This column may be offensive to (deleted), (deleted), (deleted), and other protected minority groups deemed insufficiently stable to function in society without the protection, love, and support of white liberals.
My recent column about a man’s successful bout with racism raised the ire of many readers. People were upset because it contained the word (deleted), which is offensive to many “African-Americans”, which, by the way, is a term offensive to me, a decidedly non-hyphenated American of Caucasian extraction.
Since so many people were a) offended by the word (deleted), which has racial connotations, and b) un-offended by the phrase (deleted) (deleted), which takes the Lord’s name in vain, I’ve come to the following conclusion:
Political correctness, not Christianity, provides the true moral foundation of American society in the 21st century.
Mayor Ken Corley of Brazoria, Texas understands this. He’s trying to pass an ordinance banning the word (deleted) because of its history of bigotry and hatred in America. If people say the word (deleted) it will cost a whopping $500 in his little Texas town.
But I have one little problem with Corley’s proposal. He’s not a (deleted). He’s a white guy. And that raises serious concerns for those of us who believe that the real racism in America comes not from saying the word (deleted) but from letting the white guys make all the rules.
So last Friday when I walked into my classes, I tried to set an example for the 100 students I’m teaching this semester. In the name of Equal Protection of the Law – which has saved many a (deleted) from a racist legal system – I decided to let everyone ban the word that he decided was most offensive. I extended the offer to women and trans-gendered students, too.
Here is a summary of the words we are not going to use in class this semester:
1. A (This could dramatically curb the recent trend in grade inflation).
2. B**ch (This should impede our ability to talk about how the Chancellor has really b**ched the parking situation on campus).
3. Bush (The President not the line from The Vagina Monologues).
4. Bush (The line from The Vagina Monologues not the President).
5. Chink (We will also ban the word “think” because it sounds so doggone similar).
6. Chunky (I also plan to ban “funky” because I think the words stinks).
7. Cooter (Obviously, I have a student from Mississippi).
8. Crap (This will impede the rolling of dice, which, in turn, may interfere with our efforts to encourage gambling in order to raise money for education).
9. Cracker (I have a parakeet who’s not going to be pleased).
10. C**t (Don’t tell me you c**’t decipher the asterisks).
11. C**t (This is really similar to the last one. Just use your imagination).
12. Crunk (I’ve never actually heard this on campus but better safe than sorry).
13. Cucumber (This is the favorite vegetable at the Women’s Resource Center).
14. DePaolo (Our Chancellor’s last name).
15. Democrat (I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).
16. Dude (The surfing club still doesn’t know about this one).
17. Duke (Reminder: I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).
18. Dr. Adams (This is two words but I’m going to let it slide).
19. Drink (I predict this will be easier to enforce than “drunk.” Sorority girls like to say “I’m like totally drunk and stuff”).
20. Fag (The English smokers won’t be happy).
21. Faggot (I’m banning “maggot” for safe measure. It’s the niggardly thing to do!).
22. Heart (The feminists wanted to make sure that Valentine’s Day was centered on a different pulsating organ).
23. Hell (I knew they would ban the Bible eventually at UNCW!).
24. Hillary (Senator Obama was visiting our class that day. He was a good listener. One could say he’s all ears).
25. Humanitarian (Not the same as “liberal”).
26. Kike (The Middle Eastern Studies Department is currently appealing this one). 27. Lemons (I’m also banning “melons” at the request of the Women’s Resource Center).
28. Liberal (Not the same as “humanitarian”).
29. Like (This was done mainly to get sorority girls to just shut up and drink).
30. Moist (Never mind).
31. Queer (This could cause real problems for the “safe zone” program).
32. Neo-conservative (Although no one can seem to define it).
33. Period (Will be tough to enforce at least four days of the month).
34. Redneck (There goes my plan for a new “Redneck Studies” major).
35. Republican (I’ve never heard that word on our campus anyway).
36. Rosemary (Our Chancellor’s first name).
37. Shenanigans (This is also a downtown bar).
38. S**t (Not a reference to Paris Hilton but, rather, what she flushes that she thinks does not stink).
39. Slavery (Personally, I think censorship is a form of slavery).
40. Slut (No more references to Paris Hilton).
41. Spic (The janitors will now have to switch to “#$%& and Span” cleaning fluid).
42. Tarheels (This was done by a stripper who stumbled into class by accident. She left with several $1 bills wearing a “Re-Elect Nifong” button).
43. The (Clearly *** most offensive word on *** list).
44. War (I’ve always wondered of this word: “what is it good for?”).
45. Wetback (This person scratched out “green card” in the space just above).
46. Whore (No more discussion of the Reverend Jesse Jackson, America’s leading race #$%&*).
47. Wop (This was done over the strident objections of Little Richard).
48. Word (This is clearly racist).
49. Work (Never heard this #$%& from one of my students).
50. Ya’ll (Damned Yankees!).
As you can see, my students have really been inspired by Mayor Ken Corley. When he decided to ban the use of the word (deleted) he clearly surpassed Martin Luther King, Jr. as the greatest civil rights leader in our nation’s history – even though he isn’t a (deleted).
But let’s not let Corley’s greatness overshadow what my student’s have accomplished. Their simple list of 50 words you cannot say at UNC-Wilmington has led to the banning of every single book, magazine, and pamphlet on campus.
Now that the library is empty, we finally have a place for that new parking deck.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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