The other day I logged on to my university’s website to investigate rumors that the administration has been using the site to exaggerate the number of minorities on our overwhelmingly white campus. After I heard a colleague’s extraordinary claim — namely, that there are more blacks on the front page of the site than on the entire campus – I was taken aback. So I decided to do a little experiment.
My simple experiment involved recording the races of the first 20 people I saw featured in the pictures that rotate in and out of the front page of http://www.uncw.edu/. The final count was three Asians (15%), eight Whites (40%), and nine Blacks (45%). The problem, of course, is that UNCW has always been around 90% white with a black population in the single digits — usually around 6%. (Author’s Note: There was a brief drop from 6% Black to 4% Black after the university spent its first one million dollars on improving diversity).
Those who believe that the discrepancy between a) the actual racial distribution of students, faculty, and staff at UNCW, and b) the distribution represented on the website is accidental are free to do so. They are also free to believe in the existence of Bigfoot and the validity of professional wrestling. I couldn’t care less. I’m just excited about a new idea inspired by this experiment.
My new idea is an official “Change Your Ethnicity Day” at UNCW. Actually, I got the idea from the Leadership Institute in Washington, DC. But, I’m not going to give them any credit. I got that idea — stealing people’s ideas without giving them credit — from Ward Churchill.
The Leadership Institute’s decision to launch a “Change Your Ethnicity Day” probably really was inspired by Ward Churchill. And knowing that Churchill got a job as Director of an Ethnic Studies program by saying he’s an Indian – without any actual proof, of course – will inspire UNCW students to participate in the event in massive numbers.
All UNCW students have to do on (Change Your) Ethnicity Day is to stop by the Registrar’s Office to have their race changed from White (or Asian, or Hispanic, or Native American, or “Other”) to Black. Once they do so, they will be eligible for lots of free stuff without having to earn it.
White students participating in Ethnicity Day don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for lying about race simply for their own personal gain. After all, they learned to do that from UNCW administrators who seek career advancement by telling lies about improving diversity without actually improving diversity. If that accusation seems harsh, just check out the website.
UNCW Ethnicity Day will also have some unforeseen benefits for Black students. Recently, numerous Black students began pressuring SGA Officer Candidates to promise to fight for more minority scholarships on campus instead of fighting for more merit scholarships. These students want to be judged by the color of their skin, not the content of their character.
After Ethnicity Day, there will be no need to worry about the “under-representation” of Blacks on campus. Almost everyone will be pretending to be Black after Ethnicity Day. And just pretending is good enough for an administration that specializes in make-believe diversity.
Nonetheless, I want to keep the minority scholarships after Ethnicity Day, even if every UNCW student decides to re-register as Black. Then, we will simply distribute the scholarship money at random. That makes sense — philosophically speaking – in light of North Carolina’s adoption of an educational lottery. I propose calling the minority scholarships “Junior King Luther Martin Scholarships” to reflect the university’s backward thinking on racial issues.
Of course, the greatest benefit of UNCW Ethnicity Day is that the sudden rise in the Black student population will help us get rid of Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo. By making her a national leader in make-believe diversity — and that makes sense in an age of make-believe racism — we can ship her off to a more prestigious university. I hear that Harvard has an opening for candidates with an innate weakness in math and science.
Sure, my idea for Ethnicity Day is controversial (thanks again, Ward Churchill!). In fact, few of you can probably believe I had the guts to write this column. But, there’s no need to worry. I can say anything about diversity because I’ll soon be Black. Before you know it, they’ll put me on the website.
Dr. Adams will speak at UNC-Charlotte on March 28th. The speech will take place at 7:00 PM in Woodward Hall (Room 120). He will speak at the University of New Hampshire on April 18th. Details to follow.
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