For years, people have asked why I’m so intolerant of people with cell phones. Since therapy is getting so darned expensive these days, I’ve decide to explore the origins of my problem. And since we don’t have enough cruise missiles to bring every cell phone abuser to justice, the least we can do is tell them why we hate them. It’s just a subtle variation of the logic my anti-war colleagues use when they think about terrorism.
It probably all started when a 90-pound woman nearly hit me after she ran a stop-sign in her 6000-pound SUV. I don’t know that she weighed 90 pounds but I do know that she could barely see over the dashboard of her Expedition. A liberal friend of mine wants to blame the SUVs but I blame the cell phones. Of course, we could both be wrong. It might have been the latte she had in her other hand. At least I learned that I can still run really fast when I need to. I’m still trying to get the grass stains out of my jogging shorts.
Or maybe it was the first time a cell phone went off in one of my classes. It would have been much better if the woman didn’t actually answer the cell phone.
But that wasn’t nearly as bad as the time a cell phone went off while a job candidate was giving a guest lecture in one of my classes. The guy with the cell phone did the noble thing and pretended it wasn’t his. After five rings, he was forced to pull it out and hit the “off” button. But everything worked out. We hired the candidate and avoided the lawsuit.
Or maybe it was the time I heard a cell phone go off during President Clinton’s State of the Union address. Come to think of it, that wasn’t so bad. At least it woke up Justice Scalia.
Then there was the time I heard one go off during a funeral eulogy. But justice will prevail in the end. Without a doubt, that person is going to hell.
Then there was the guy in the public bathroom stall I overheard asking that age-old question we all like to ask from the toilet seat: “Who’s your daddy, baby doll.” I almost open the stall and kicked his a*s. But then I realized he was talking to his girlfriend on a cell phone. There’s never a bad time to share your feelings with the one you love – even if a busy schedule forces you to do it in between flushes. Casanova has nothing on that guy!
And let’s not forget the people in church. I love it when a cell phone goes off during the sermon. The offender always takes it out immediately. And they always shut it off after they see that it isn’t a really important call. The last time that happened I knew the offender’s number. I thought about calling her back and saying, “This is God, yadda, yadda, and, by the way, you’re going to hell.” Of course the only thing that stood in the way of my plan was the fact that I don’t carry my cell phone to church. Maybe I’m not going to hell, like that one gay Christian tells me every time he sends me a hate mail.
Of course, part of the blame can be placed on a professor in my department. His cell phone goes off every other faculty meeting (or so I’m told). Even worse, he answers it when it goes off in his classes. But it’s no use harping on this one. He has tenure. He’ll be setting a bad example for our students for years to come. He won’t lose his job unless he starts voting Republican.
Sometimes it’s just the little things like the five people I see talking on a park bench in front of my office building. Of course, they aren’t talking to each other. They are all talking to other people on their cell phones. So guys, why don’t you hang around with people you DO want to talk to? I don’t mean to pry, I’m just curious.
And what about that guy I saw sitting at a table in front of a bar in downtown Wilmington? He had a beer in one hand, and his cell phone in another. Does he really think that means he isn’t drinking alone? Face it dude, you’re an alcoholic!
And what about the outbreak of mental illness since the cell phone era began? I saw a guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot screaming at someone although no one was within fifty feet. When he passed me, I saw a wire dangling from his ear. But does that little wire mean he’s fit to roam free among the rest of us? And what exactly is a STUPID BIOTCH? Is it someone who screams obscenities into a little dangling wire in public places? I can’t believe I used to like Wal-Mart, but that’s another editorial.
And how about those deranged people who answer their cell phones during dinner at a restaurant? A girl once did that to me on our first date. Actually, it was our last date. I married a girl without a cell phone.
I could go on and on, but there’s something buzzing in my left pocket. I don’t mean to be rude, but I’d better get this one. It could be really important.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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