On Tuesday, March 7th at Auburn University, I will make an important public announcement. From behind a podium in Room 217 in the Foy Student Union, around 7:30 CST, I will announce my intention to run – as a Republican, of course – for the Office of President of the United States of America.
The following night – on March 8th at 5 Seasons Brewery in Atlanta, GA – I will formally kick off my campaign with a more detailed speech around 7pm EST. In these speeches, I plan to outline my vision for America — a vision that should propel us into a future where the three evils of socialism, terrorism, and feminism will soon become relics of the past.
The most ambitious aspect of my presidency will be a drastic reduction in the size of the federal government. In my first term, I plan to eliminate all of the following government agencies:
1. The United States Postal Service. Put simply, the cost of a stamp and the percentage of “lost mail” should be inversely related. For years, the Postal Service has had this backwards. Their period of probation has, in my view, expired. Therefore, they will be eliminated. This should make the folks at UPS very happy.
2. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. This decision is guided not by principle but by self-interest. As I rapidly approach the federal limitations on gun and ammunition ownership something must be done. There isn’t enough room in this country for both my gun collection and this antiquated agency. One of us has to go. Since I will be president, they will have to go.
3. The Department of Education. For the life of me, I can’t understand why the Republicans ever scratched the plan to abolish this useless agency. When it comes to cutting the size of the federal government, my plan will soon be known as “All useless government agencies left behind.” This decision came around the time Bangladesh passed us in mathematics and reading comprehension.
4. The Internal Revenue Service. I will begin with a proposal to allow Americans to claim their firearms as “dependents” as early as 2009. This means that the tax burden will be shouldered almost entirely by convicted felons. This will put the IRS out of business in short order. That is good news because the IRS is largely responsible for this nation’s steady drift away from free market capitalism to socialism over the latter half of the 20th century. We will cut off the problem at its source in the early years of the Adams administration.
5. The EEOC. For years, Americans have had equal opportunity. But the EEOC has long been focused on ensuring equal outcome, not equal opportunity. I will hasten the elimination of this office by passing an executive order banning the mere mention of race on all federal job applications. This will happen as early as January 2009. Bill Clinton pushed for a national dialogue on race during one year of his presidency. I will push for four solid years without talking about race. Morgan Freeman will also be one of my top advisors.
In an effort to shut down these offices, I will ask attorney and radio talk show host Neal Boortz to be my running mate. America will immediately save money with Vice President Boortz in the White House. Since he will be flying Air Force One, we can save money on the government payroll starting on day one. This will also save money on shampoo and other unnecessary hair care products in the White House.
There will also be important changes in foreign policy. My top advisors in this area will be Phyllis Schlafly (Secretary of State) and Ann Coulter (National Security Advisor). Unless they advise otherwise, I plan to withdraw troops from Iraq and send them into Syria to recover the WMDs hidden there by Saddam Hussein prior to the Iraq War. After they are recovered, our troops will head to Tel Aviv to hand the WMDs over to the Israeli Army. They will be used to immediately retake possession of the Gaza strip.
Shortly thereafter, our nation will experiment with a significant nuclear arms reduction by turning 10% of our nuclear weapons over to the Israelis. We will also capitulate to the demands of left-wing American professors by withdrawing all troops from the Middle East. This will not be an admission that they are right but, instead, a safety precaution. We don’t want our troops to be in harms way when Israel turns Iran into a glass parking lot. The fallout from this decision should be significant, literally speaking.
Resistance to our foreign policy initiatives — at least from the United Nations – will pose no problem. My Treasury Secretary, Donald Trump, will be given control over the United Nation’s building shortly after they are deported from this country for trumping United States foreign policy for decades. I expect the unsightly building to be turned into a Trump Manhattan Casino by early 2010.
As for the Supreme Court, I will follow the lead of President Bush by appointing personal friends to the Court. David Limbaugh will receive a nomination and Ben Shapiro will become our youngest Justice. The Alliance Defense Fund’s David French will also be nominated. If Ann Coulter wants to be the first female Chief Justice, she will have to get to know me better. Needless to say, I’m all for that.
If you want to learn more about my plans for America, maybe I’ll see you next week at Auburn. Or maybe it will be Atlanta. Before long, our campaign will be coming to a college campus or micro-brewery near you.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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