when they aren’t attending masturbation workshops and orgasm awareness festivals on unc campuses, our feminist “scholars” are usually thinking of new words to ban in order to make womyn feel more comfortable in the workplace. recently, one of the sociologists at unc-wilmington actually banned the use of the term “mankind” because of its “sexist” overtones.
having recently been named as a defendant in a lawsuit alleging first amendment retaliation, dr. (name deleted to ensure maximum comfort) still seems undeterred. but i write today, not for the purpose of ridiculing this seemingly outlandish feminist censorship. in fact, i’ve decided to join in with some new class rules i’ll use from now on (but not NOW on).
1. all capital letters will be banned. for some feminists, capital letters are a reminder of an erect penis. so, from now on, all my class correspondence will have erectile dysfunction. i regret that i cannot take credit for this idea. it has already been employed by feminists at appalachian state university (sociology department) and unc-chapel hill (english department).
2. i will also ban the word “man,” replacing it with the word “person.” In fact, wherever the letters “m,” “a,” and “n” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “person.” This will be difficult but we will person-age. Some examples follow:
democrats tend to favor unfunded government person-dates.
ann coulter’s support of hillary clinton is a silly publicity person-euver.
i’ve got obama person-ia, largely because of my two-digit iq.
hillary clinton wants to be the first to get a person-icure in the oval office, though not the first to be pleasured in the oval office.
good person-ners and bad breath will get you nowhere.
karl marx co-wrote the communist person-ifesto, which is required reading in most gender studies programs.
bill clinton used to fondle women in the governor’s person-sion.
and, finally, we have too person-y person-hating feminists teaching in our universities today.
3. i will also ban the word “his,” replacing it with the word “her.” In fact, wherever the letters “h,” “i,” (or, when appropriate, “y”) and “s” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “hers.” T-hers could be a difficult task. Some examples follow:
i really dig hers-panic women, especially jessica alba.
hers-tory shows that fdr really was surrounded by communist spies.
alger hers-s was one of them.
she had to go to the hospital to get a hers-terectomy.
4. i will also ban the word “men,” replacing it with the word “people.” In fact, wherever the letters “m,” “e,” and “n” appear consecutively, they will be replaced with the word “people.” This could prove to be a real people-ace. Some examples follow:
some think al franken is suffering from male people-opause.
i really think liberalism, like socialism, is a people-tal illness.
kiche is always a homosexual’s favorite item on the people-u. the porterhouse steak is always hers least favorite.
i’ve really been trying to people-d my differences with illegal aliens but, unfortunately, none of them speak good english.
“people at work” was clearly among the worst bands of the 1980s. “a flock of seagulls” gets honorable people-tion.
now, some – who are not in n.o.w. – will say my new feminist word-banning scheme is a bunch of person-ure. but i think it’s nothing short of hers-terical. and i really hope i’m not sounding people-dacious to my readers.
author’s note: for those who are not particularly swift, dr. adams is not really going to imple-people-t this scheme. but the story of the feminist banning the word “mankind” is, unfortunately, true.
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Mike S. Adams was born in Columbus, Mississippi on October 30, 1964. While a student at Clear Lake High School in Houston, TX, his team won the state 5A soccer championship. Mike Adams graduated from C.L.H.S. in 1983 with a 1.8 GPA. Mike Adams was ranked 734 among a class of 740, largely as a result of flunking English all four years of high school. After obtaining an Associate's degree in psychology from San Jacinto College, Mike Adams moved on to Mississippi State University where he joined the Sigma Chi Fraternity. While living in the fraternity house, his GPA rose to 3.4, allowing him to finish his B.A., and then to pursue a Master's in Psychology. In 1990, Mike Adams turned down a chance to pursue a PhD in psychology from the University of Georgia, opting instead to remain at Mississippi State to study Sociology/Criminology. This decision was made entirely on the basis of his reluctance to quit his night job as member of a musical duo. Playing music in bars and at fraternity parties and weddings financed his education. Mike Adams also played for free beer.
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Upon getting his doctorate in 1993, Adams, then an atheist and a Democrat, was hired by UNC-Wilmington to teach in the criminal justice program. A few years later, Adams abandoned his atheism and also became a Republican. He also nearly abandoned teaching when he took a one-year leave of absence to study law at UNC-Chapel Hill in 1998. After returning to teach at UNC-Wilmington, Adams won the Faculty Member of the Year award (issued by the Office of the Dean of Students) for the second time in 2000.
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After his involvement in a well publicized free speech controversy in the wake of the 911 terror attacks, Adams became a vocal critic of the diversity movement in academia. After making appearances on shows like Hannity and Colmes, the O'Reilly Factor, and Scarborough Country, Adams was asked to write a column for Townhall.com.
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Today Mike Adams enjoys the privilege of expressing himself both as a teacher and a writer. Mike Adams is also an avid hunter and reader of classic literature. Mike Adams published his first book, Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel, in 2004. His second book, Feminists Say the Darndest Things: A Politically Incorrect Professor Confronts "Womyn" On Campus, was published in 2008.
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